It's Not About The Nail

▶ this video This was the single most impactful thing I've ever been told to watch when it comes to 'solving' vs 'listening'.

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. There is a great YT video on this topic ▶ this video It's not about the nail!

You may enjoy, It's not about the nail. ▶ this video What I was doing is very common. Trying to engage logically with what logic can engage with, while failing to recognize that the emotional challenge is what has to be dealt with first. And that once feelings are out of the way, the logical problem will be massively easier to solve.

> You can actually ask, if they talk about the same thing more than once: Is this something you want me to work on and try to fix, or you just want to talk about? Agreed! Asking helps me clarify to myself the possible goals (and make it explicit that "just" listening is a valid goal). Even if you don't ask thinking about the question is a nice way to remind yourself that you don't need to solve it for them. My experience has been that women appreciate this question - I think that most men tend to jump into problem-solving mode and actually being asked is a nice change (here in the U.S.) And of course there's this 2 minute video to memorably highlight the idea :) ▶ this video

It's counterintuitive to logical-thinking programmers, but you almost never want to tell a grieving person any of the following: 1. "Things will get better." 2. "I understand your loss." 3. "Here's how we can fix the problem." Some insight into why can be gained by watching the short video, It's Not About the Nail : ▶ this video In many (but not all) cases, if the grieving are willing to communicate at all, they want their cries of pain heard and listened to. They would rather that you cried with them instead of trying to tell them that there is light at the end of the tunnel or that there is a 'fix' for their 'problem' or that we must accept that life is hard and unfair and suck it up.

Someone should tell SNL that they can't be funny because it's scripted. Comedians all across the globe should be out of a job because scripted comedy isn't funny apparently. This video has no value because it's clearly scripted. No way she actually has a nail sticking out of her head. When will these creators stop trying to fool us!? ▶ this video

"It's not about the nail" ▶ this video People don't want their problems solving, they want to whine. It helps to start a conversation like this with "do you want me to listen or to offer help"

My wife and I use the phrase “it’s not about the nail”[0] as an in-joke/shorthand for communicating this. [0] ▶ this video

Or, it’s that the dog does tell all his doggie friends about his predicament, but any time they’re about to give him actionable advice for solving the core problem, he cuts them off, more interested in emotional catharsis. “It’s not about the nail.” ▶ this video

> This isn't strictly true but men tend to want to offer solutions to problems For a humorous take on this, see "It's Not About The Nail": ▶ this video

I'd rather just not talk to someone like that so if they don't want to be friends anymore over being suggested a mechanic when having car issues or something then good. There's a youtube video about those kind of crazies: ▶ this video

The other side of this is expressed in the classic comedy video, "It's Not About the Nail" (1:41). ▶ this video